The Ill-Timed Cure
by Ukyou Kuonji
Summary: Ryoga is freed from his curse at the worst possible moment... now who could have done a thing like that? And what's to be done about it?


ukyoukwnji@aol.com (Ukyou Kuonji)  
  
The Ill-Timed Cure: a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
Ranma 1/2 and all the characters therein are copyright Rumiko   
Takahashi and are being used without permission.  
  
  
This past Sunday morning, Ryoga woke up in bed with Akane. Naked.  
  
Actually, this is a rather common occurrence, not that I like it   
any more for that fact. If anything, it just bugs me that much more   
that Akane's sleeping with that dope. She, of course, has no clue   
*why* it bothers me so; but then, she had no idea it was Ryoga,   
after all, and I was bound by my warrior's oath not to reveal his   
weakness to anyone. To her, it was just her pet P-chan. Cute as   
a teddy bear, in her eyes, and about as harmless.  
Until now.  
And naturally, he blamed me for it.  
  
*****  
  
There's no school on Sundays, so Akane usually takes the opportunity  
to sleep in. That's her prerogative, I suppose, but that lazy   
tomboy's never gonna become a great martial artist if she's gonna   
lounge around in bed until 9 a.m. every chance she gets. And it's  
not like the `beauty sleep' argument works: ya gotta *have* beauty   
first for beauty sleep to do any good.  
Anyway, I was up at 6 or so, doing my tai-chi and a few other   
exercises. Once I finished with that, I headed over to Ucchan's   
for breakfast (Kasumi sleeps in occasionally on Sundays, too).   
Spent the better part of an hour and a half chowing down and   
chatting with Ukyou; the usual stuff. Got to the part about our   
futures, and how I'd end up teaching martial arts, and I realized   
that I'd stayed too long. I was helping Mr. Tendo with a Sunday   
morning kids class at 8:30, and I'd have to run to make it.   
Ucchan gave me a quick kiss on the cheek (I wish she wouldn't   
do that. Bad enough Shampoo glomps onto me whenever she gets   
a chance. Thank heavens the place was empty at the time. If   
Akane'd find out...), and I scrambled outta there and sped back   
to the dojo.  
  
And that's when Ryoga tried to kill me. Again  
  
*****  
  
He made his usual entrance, which is to say he was yelling at   
me even from blocks away.  
"RANMA SAOTOME! You have humiliated me for the last time!!   
PREPARE TO DIE!!" And then he makes his patented leap, with the   
umbrella pointed down at me like a spear. Well, I wasn't prepared   
to die, but I *was* prepared to dodge. I jumped onto a light pole,   
and when Ryoga landed, I bounced onto his head, and down to the   
ground. And they he lay, flat on his back, in the middle of one   
of his trademark craters. The jerk's gonna make Nerima look like   
the moon someday if he keeps this up. Come to think of it, though,   
he seemed pretty banged-up already. I was pretty sure I couldn't   
have done that just from stepping on his head. Well, anyway...  
I didn't really have time for this, so I just kept on running.   
Then I realized that he had gotten up (so soon?) and was in hot   
pursuit. Just great. Okay, buster... and I sped down a zigzag   
maze of alleys until I was satisfied that I'd lost him (of course,   
this is Ryoga, so it didn't take long). Then I sauntered back to   
the dojo, and joined the class that had just started.  
  
*****  
  
"You're late, Ranma-kun."  
"Gomen nasai, Tendo-sensei. Went out for breakfast..." I noticed   
him twitch at that. Oops. "...and I was, erm, accosted, on the way   
back."  
"Nn. Well, never mind that. It's time for class..." and he turned   
to face the children, indicating I should do likewise. We bowed to   
them together.  
"Ohayo gozaimasu, class." The kids responded in unison.  
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Tendo-sensei, Saotome-sensei." I picked up my   
clipboard to take roll, while Mr. Tendo busied himself gathering   
equipment.  
"Chibiko-chan?" "Hai!"  
"Yoichi-kun?" "Hai!"  
"Hiroe-chan?" "Hai!"  
"Kimae-chan?" "Hai!"  
"Eichiro-kun?" "Hai!"  
"Masanori-kun?" "Hai!" I'd come to the end of my list, and I saw   
out of the corner of my eye that there was still one more person I   
hadn't counted.  
"Uhm... and you are?" I asked, pen poised to scribble in the name.  
A semi-falsetto voice answered me.  
"Hibiki Ryoga..." I was just about to write it down, somewhat absent-  
mindedly -- how could it possibly be him? I'd lost him just a few   
minutes ago in the streets of Nerima -- when it dropped to his normal  
pitch, with a touch of menace in it "...sensei." I looked up,   
thoroughly surprised. Sure enough, there he was, with this *angelic*  
grin on his face. It quickly transformed into a smirk as he chirped   
out a falsetto "Hai!" like the others had.  
How in the world...? He found this place before *I* had, even.   
Then it hit me: when you're *trying* to lose him, it'll never work.  
He'll always find you when you don't want him to. Damn. I'd   
forgotten that.  
What happened next, though, *really* took me by surprise.  
There was a low rumble, like distant thunder, coming from the   
equipment cabinet. I could dimly recognize what was coming, but   
for the life of me, I hadn't the faintest clue what I had done this   
time that was so wrong. Then the demonic face that was Mr. Tendo's   
angry battle aura sprang from the cabinet toward ...Ryoga?  
"RYO....GA!!! HOW *DARE* YOU MOLEST MY LITTLE GIRL!" He roared   
over to Ryoga, and grabbed him by belt loop and collar. The next   
thing anyone knew, he had taken him outside the dojo, tossed him   
into the air, and punted him into orbit. I made note of the fact   
that, as furious as Mr. Tendo was, he'd taken the trouble to open   
the doors and go outside before inflicting injury. I suppose he   
figured there was no sense wrecking the dojo when he knew he'd have   
to fix it himself, but you have to admire the presence of mind   
involved there.  
At this point, I had to turn my attention to the kids, who were   
all huddling around me, clutching my waist or knee, depending on   
their height. They were all staring at me with eyes big as saucers,   
as big as those kids you see in the manga books. Since his anger   
wasn't directed at me (for a change), and he had dealt his vengeance   
to Ryoga, I figured I was safe in attempting to calm him down.  
"Uh, Tendo-sensei... the kids. Can we get back to them?" He spun   
around, and instantly assumed a posture of acute embarrassment: right   
hand up, rubbing the back of his neck. He could tell from looking at   
his students that he'd scared the living tar out of them, and he was   
thoroughly abashed about it.  
"Uh...heh-heh. Sorry about that, children. Just a little...   
personal business to attend to..." He briefly flashed me a look   
that said "See me after class," and I hoped he'd give me some   
explanation for his outburst before trying to thrash me for whatever   
he seemed to think I'd done wrong this time.  
As for the kids, now that his rage had passed, and they were   
reassured that it hadn't been directed at them, they swarmed around   
Mr. Tendo like bees.  
"Sugoi, Tendo-sensei! That was so cool! Can you teach us that   
technique?" Amazing how quickly they forget their fears, really.   
Mr. Tendo once again assumed the `modest' posture, and hemmed and   
hawed a bit. I knew from experience that he wasn't exactly *proud*   
of this so-called `demon-head' technique, as he considered himself   
to be out of control when he would execute it. No kidding. He'd   
apologized to me on several occasions after he'd using it -- on?   
at? -- me for something I'd said (or refused to say) about his   
`little girl.' Whatever it was that caused never was deserving   
of such a violent attack, and he would admit that afterwards.   
Anyway, he was in a bit of an awkward situation, with the kids   
being so fascinated by it. Rather than let him explain it to them,   
I figured I could take him off the hook.  
"Now, kids... that sort of technique takes a great deal of   
concentrated emotional energy." Somehow, I figured the word   
`passion' just wouldn't register with them. Not when they're   
this young. "Anyway, you'd probably need to be at least second   
or third dan to even *attempt* it. I'm sixth dan myself, and I've   
*never* been able to master it." Not that I'd even tried, or wanted   
to. "In any case, you kids will have to get cracking if you're gonna  
get your first black belts in the next couple of years. And speaking   
of getting cracking, let's begin today's lesson: everybody get into   
positions..."  
  
From there, the class went by rather uneventfully, aside from   
the occasional injury. Some kids just insist on getting to the   
cinderblocks before they're ready to. And sometimes it takes the   
kids a while to recover -- this isn't a cartoon, after all, this   
is real life. Otherwise, though, I coulda led this class in my   
sleep.  
And while I didn't actually *sleep* during class (I'll save that   
for when I'm not moving, like in Ms. Hinomiya's English class or   
something), my mind did wander a bit. Maybe Mr. Tendo was going   
to explain his little outburst to me afterwards. Usually, he and   
Ryoga get along reasonably well, although he's never taken kindly   
to Ryoga's affection for Akane. Sometimes, I wish he would -- at   
least that would mean I'd get *one* fiancée off my back, and maybe   
she'd quit beating on me.... Naah.  
Wait a tic... what was it he'd said? "How dare you molest my   
little girl?"  
Molest? Ryoga? That sly fox! I'd never'a' thought he'd had it   
in him to put the moves on...  
....on AKANE?  
Why, that... pervert!  
  
*****  
  
"Okay, kids. That's enough for one morning. Hiroe-chan, make   
sure your mom changes that bandage every couple of days. Let it   
air out a bit. Yoichi-kun, those were some excellent acrobatics,   
but let's try not to get *too* carried away, there. Remember,   
martial arts is about physical and mental *control* as much as   
exertion. See you all next Sunday, and... yes, Eichiro-kun,   
I'll try to be on time next time if you will. Smart aleck...."   
I grinned. Once the kids had cleared out, I turned to Mr. Tendo.  
"Alright, Mr. Tendo. Wouldja mind explaining what all that was   
about before class?"  
"Ranma... son. You've *got* to protect my little girl. You're   
her fiancée, right?"  
Well, I don't always like this fiancée business, but I can't deny   
that we're engaged or nothin'. Heck, I've admitted it, publicly...   
once or twice... under duress. "What's your point, Mr. Tendo? What  
the heck happened? And where does Ryoga fit into this?" Mr. Tendo   
began to tremble with rage as he replied:  
"That... that... that PERVERT Ryoga was in bed with my little   
Akane! YOUR Akane, Ranma! This morning!" I coulda told him that.  
Actually... no, I couldn't. The warrior's code forbids me from   
revealing an opponent's weakness.  
"Was P-chan around anywhere at the time?" Yeah, I have to admit   
I smirked at bit at this. Okay, so I'm forbidden to tell of Ryoga's  
weak spot in so many words, but I never saw anything wrong with   
dropping hints. Not that *anyone* ever seemed to figure it out.   
Heck, if I'm not mistaken, Mr. Tendo's seen Ryoga transform and   
for whatever reason never bothered to put two and two together.   
Otherwise, He shouldn't've been surprised by whatever it was   
happened this morning. To the best of my knowledge, the only   
ones who knew, besides me and Ryoga, were Ucchan (and her warrior's  
code was as strict as mine, if not more so) and Akari (and she *liked*  
the fact that he turned into a pig, and wanted to keep this precious   
little secret to herself as well). Anyway, this hint was no different.  
"Wh-what does her pet PIG have to do with anything?!" he sputtered   
at me. "Your friend --"  
"He's NO friend of mine!" Now *I* was getting mad. But Mr. Tendo   
ignored me completely  
"-- was lying next to Akane, naked as the day he was born. WHAT   
was he doing there?"  
"Whaddya asking ME for?! How should I know? D'ya think I *invited*  
him to sleep with her or somethin'?"  
It's amazing sometimes, what Mr. Tendo hears and doesn't hear:   
"You INVITED him to sleep with her?!" he gasped. "Get OUT!! GET   
OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" He was firing up that demon-head thing; I was  
in no position to argue. I got out.  
And went looking for Ryoga.  
  
*****  
  
Stupid Mr. Tendo. Always over-reacting. And now, he'll tell his  
side of the story to the girls, and they'll think I'm absolute scum,  
that I'd actually *ask* Ryoga to sleep with Akane. Now why the hell  
would I do that, anyway? Could they possibly be that dumb as to   
believe that?  
Akane might. She's got the Tendo temper in spades. And she's   
probably mad enough to believe ANYthing bad about me. Just like   
Ryoga...  
Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be looking for him. Right.  
  
*****  
  
Well, I didn't find him. HE found ME. Grabbed me by the collar,   
and yanked me into a nearby alley. You'd never have suspected him   
to be the mugger type, huh? Well, it wasn't money he wanted. It   
was the usual:  
"Now, I can have my revenge on you for my humiliation!" Despite   
his grip on my collar, I knew I was more than a match for him in a   
fair fight, so I wasn't really worried. Just curious.  
"*What* are ya blaming me for this time, P-chan? Global warming?"  
"Don't call me P-chan!"  
"Well, it's your own fault. Sooner or later, it was bound to happen,  
even if by accident. You know, you take an awful risk every night,   
when you spend it with Akane." Even as I was saying this, I realized   
I was getting myself into more trouble with each word: it was starting  
to sound like *I* was admitting to having splashed him.  
"So... you admit to it, do you?" Yeah, I called THAT one. Just   
then, a splash of cold water hit us from above. Dammit, for once,   
couldn't folks in Nerima be as polite as the Japanese are supposed   
to be in the guide books, and at least shout some kind of warning?   
Didn't faze Ryoga, though: "I'm gonna pulverize you once and for   
all!" Then, it hit me.  
"Ryoga, you big jerk. It couldn't have been me who splashed you."  
"And WHY NOT?!"  
"Okay... One: I was at Ucchan's this morning for breakfast. She'll  
vouch for me. I don't think I was anywhere NEAR the dojo at the time.  
Two: I've tried nailing you a couple times early on, remember? I   
always gave you warning. And you *always* got me into trouble by   
knocking me into Akane. Three: It's the warrior's code. It's not  
right to reveal an enemy's weak spot like that. Four, and this   
oughta convince you: Don't you think if I got my hands on the   
Nanniichuan, I'd use it on MYSELF first?"  
  
That last one stopped him in his tracks. "Hunh?! N-N-Nanniichuan?"  
"Well, yeah. Look at me." He let go -- whew! Now I could breathe  
again.  
There I stood, busty as ever. "I mean, shouldn't you be a pig by   
now? You're as wet as I am." He just stood there, looking at his   
hands in disbelief.  
"You're right! I'm wet! And I'm STILL HUMAN! I'M CURED!! I'M   
CURED!!" He started dancing around me. Eventually, he grabbed my   
hands, and spun both of us around and around, all the while yelling  
"I'M CURED!! I'M CURED!!" I tried to get him to let go, as we were  
starting to spin rather fast. I finally had to bite his hand, at   
which point he let go with a yelp of pain and surprise. The force  
of his spinning was such that I wound up flung amongst a pile of   
garbage cans. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, after all.  
My teeth had left no impression on Ryoga's celebratory mood.   
"I'M CURED!! I can finally tell Akane how I feel about her without  
worrying about my curse!"  
"Ohhh, no you can't." I snapped, still rubbing my head. He   
stopped short. So abruptly, in fact, that his momentum nearly   
knocked him over.  
"Wh-whaddya mean, I can't?"  
"Did you already forget why yer so damn mad at me in the first  
place? You got caught in Akane's bed this morning... and you weren't  
a pig... and you weren't dressed. I don't think you're getting   
anywhere *near* Akane for a *long* time to come."  
  
I had to feel sorry for him. Just when he's the happiest he's  
been, probably, in his whole life, here I go and bust his bubble.  
And now, he's as sad as I've ever seen him. Come to that, maybe I   
oughta start inching away. Any moment now, he could materialize a   
Shichi Hokodan chi-ball, and I'd just as soon be outta the area   
should that happen.  
But nothing did happen. He just slumped against a wall and started  
crying. Dammit. I can't deal with it when Akane does this, or Ukyou,  
or Shampoo, or Kodachi, or... or Ryoga.  
"Aw, Ryoga. Snap out of it. Tell ya what, you and me, we'll hunt   
down the jerk who did this to ya."  
"sniff You will?"  
I couldn't help grinning.  
"Sure. You don't think I'm gonna let you be the only one who gets   
cured, do ya?"  
  
*****part 2  
  
When dusk started to fall, I walked him back to the dojo, so he  
wouldn't get lost. On the way, I told him how Mr. Tendo had thrown   
*me* out as well. We both had a good laugh at his overreaction.  
"You gotta be kidding! He thought you *asked* me to sleep with   
her? Oh, man.." He practically doubled over. "What was that   
idiot THINKING?"  
"I have *no* flippin' idea. Maybe he thought I wanted you to   
break her in or somethin'"  
"No *way*!"  
"Well, you got any other guesses?"  
Suddenly, Ryoga stopped laughing.  
"But that means he's not gonna let you in, either! And I'm   
*definitely* not allowed to drop in, you know."  
"Relax. I imagine Kasumi will have talked some sense into him   
by now. Besides, it's either let me back in, or throw out his old   
pal Saotome. Much as I think he'd be better off if he did -- I just   
wish for once, we'd get into a situation where Pop would suffer as   
much as I usually end up doing -- he's not likely to do that.   
Besides, he'll rather *I* defend Akane's honor against you than   
have to do it himself.  
"As for you, well... maybe you should camp out in the dojo. I   
imagine *nobody's* gonna want you in the house until this is all   
sorted out. Even *I* haven't _ever_ been too keen on your sleeping   
with Akane – and would you wipe that stupid grin off your face? --   
but what could I do to stop her, huh? But there's a couple back   
rooms in the building; you can stay there, and as long as you don't   
come out too often, you should be pretty safe."  
"B-but *why* are you trying to smuggle me into the dojo?"  
I sighed.  
"Look, I wasn't kidding about the cure. I don't care what Nabiki   
says about it being cool or nothin'. I hate being a girl -- even   
a kawaii girl -- half my life. Yeah, I know... I s'pose I got off   
easy, compared to you and Mousse. And Shampoo -- brrr! But it's   
still no picnic. Whoever did this to you has the Nanniichuan water   
on `em, and I intend t'find it. At which point, you're entitled to   
do as you wish to whoever it is.  
"Anyway, I can't imagine that we've got a really *long* list of   
suspects, so this shouldn't take a lot of time. Now, who actually   
knows you have this curse, and of those people, who would want to   
give it to you in such an inopportune manner, hm?"  
"Well, there's Shampoo, for starters. And her great-grandmother..."  
"Yeah... and either of them is mean enough to do it, too. But   
why? It doesn't make sense. I mean, Shampoo wants me..."  
Ryoga pulled a face at me. "Hmph. Don't *we* have an ego!"  
"Can you deny it? It's why she's here in Japan, just ask her!"  
"Okay, okay..."  
"Anyway, what would curing you solve for them? It would be   
preferable to them that you get together with Akane, which would   
free me up. Something like this would obviously do the opposite   
of that -- I don't need to tell you that Akane is probably not   
going to be in any mood to have anything to do with you for quite   
a while." He looked very sad and thoughtful for a moment, and   
then...  
"I suppose that rules out Ukyou for the same reason." I nodded.   
"How about Akari? She'd like it that Akane's out of my life.."  
I almost burst out laughing. "Do you really think she'd do that?   
For that matter, do you really think she KNOWS you spend every night   
in Akane's bed?" Then I stopped laughing, as it began to make sense:  
"She'd be livid. Hmm... well, if she had found out, it's within the   
realm of possibility, but I dunno. Doesn't seem her style. Doesn't   
she actually *like* you as a pig, after all?" Ryoga actually winced   
at that thought.  
"Anyway, we've made it home. Let me get you into the dojo..."   
and I sprang onto the roof, clutching his hand (I was glad to be   
a girl, or I'd have really felt strange holding a guy's hand).   
We landed in the courtyard, just outside of the dojo. I peeked   
inside to assure myself that no one was in there, and the two of   
us slunk in.  
Behind the back wall of the dojo, on which the calligraphed word   
"HA-RO-I" hung, were a couple of empty practice rooms. I showed   
Ryoga into one of them.  
"You can stay here for the time being, while I try to get to the   
bottom of this. Just try and keep quiet if you hear someone using   
the dojo – although if it's me, and I'm by myself, I'll let you know   
it's safe, okay?" Ryoga nodded, and began unpacking some foodstuffs   
from his backpack. "Great. Just make yourself at home. Just try   
not to be seen. And for that matter, don't go anywhere, either...   
you might wind up somewhere that isn't healthy for you t'be. I'll   
be back if I find something out." I bounded back out of the courtyard,   
and landed at the front door. Might as well enter as if nothing was   
unusual… which, I suppose, would be unusual in and of itself.  
"Tadaima! I'm hooome! Kasumi?"  
"Oh, hello there, Ranma. I think Father wants to see you: something   
he needs to say to you, I think." She shot him a bit of a look. I   
wandered into the dining room and sat down next to him. He seemed   
rather contrite. Good.  
"Son, I have discussed this matter with Kasumi, and she believes I  
may have over-reacted in throwing you out of the house this morning."  
Well, *duh*. "I realize now that you had nothing to do with Ryoga's   
actions, and had no knowledge of what transpired until I told you.   
Can you forgive me?"  
Hey, as long as things are back to something resembling normal,   
I'm not too concerned. I just wish he wouldn't keep pulling that   
demon-head thing in the first place. He *always* ends up regretting   
it. Anyway, yeah, I forgave him, and got the usual sobs of gratitude  
from him. Then he straightened up and calmed himself.  
"Now son, while it was unreasonable of me to hold you responsible   
for what happened this morning -- it's not as though anyone would   
have suspected Ryoga of such tendencies -- I believe you must   
redouble your efforts. Akane's honor is at stake here, and you're   
her fiancé. You've *got* to keep an eye out for her. I want you   
to protect her."  
"Don't worry, Mr. Tendo. I want to get to the bottom of this every  
bit as much as you do." That my motives were entirely different from  
what he was going to believe was irrelevant. I was telling the truth,  
after all.. sort of. But if he knew how I was going about looking   
for the truth... oh boy, would there be hell to pay.  
  
I gulped down my meal faster than usual, which, according to some   
folks, is saying a lot. Still, I had a... `guest' to look after, so  
I knew I'd need to check on him periodically. But maybe for once,   
I'd give credit where it was due, first, since I was pretty sure   
that otherwise, I was being rather rude:  
"Kasumi, it's been another wonderful meal. Thanks."  
"Not at all," she smiled. Practically beamed, in fact. Hmm.   
I gotta try complimenting her more often. She's cute when she   
smiles, too. "It's always a pleasure, seeing how enthusiastically   
you eat everything I serve." All at once I could feel the heat of   
an angry aura behind me. I didn't have to turn around to figure   
out who it was, but like an idiot, I did anyway.  
Yup. Akane. Mad as usual. A compliment to Kasumi was an insult   
to her, always. I just can't win, can I? Now I remembered why I   
*didn't* usually do that.  
"Hey... what is it this time? Aw, c'mon Akane, can't I compliment  
Kasumi on a job well done?" I started inching backwards as she   
stood up and approached me.  
"Will you STOP mentioning cooking around me, you insensitive baka?!"  
"What!? I wasn't talking to you, I wa--" Then my words got stuck   
in my throat as I looked her up and down and noticed she was holding...  
"P-CHAN??! How... how the hell did he get here?"  
"DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" Well, I could still relax.   
She wasn't about to drop her precious pet pig in order to hit me.   
But I definitely needed to put some distance between me and her at  
any rate. I vaulted over her head, and landed in the courtyard.  
"Can we talk about this later, Akane? I gotta go." I yelled over  
my shoulder as I sped to the dojo.  
  
I hurried back to the practice rooms behind the dojo. "Ryoga?   
It's me."  
"Yeah, right here." I let out a sigh of relief.  
"Okay, good. So then that wasn't you in there."  
"Wasn't me where?"  
"In the dining room, stupid."  
"Are you kidding? What kind of an idiot do you think I am? Akane  
and her dad would kill me if they found me." He shuddered audibly.   
"Why on earth would I go there?"  
"I dunno, but Akane's got P-Chan with her right now..."  
"What? That's impossible! I'M P-Chan!"  
"Hunh. NOW you admit it. Just you *try* telling that to her.   
I was considering breaking the truth to her about you -- hey, don't   
look at me like that, it's better than having her think you're a   
complete pervert, ne? Besides, it was her idea to have you sleeping   
with her in the first place, so it's not like she could blame anybody   
but herself -- but since you're cured, we can't prove you change into   
a pig. And since she has a pig already --"  
"Whoa, back up. She's found another pig? Already?"  
"Yeah, and he's a dead ringer for ya. Everything but the bandana.  
It's white and kinda lumpy instead of yellow."  
"Ranma!" He stood up and grabbed my by the collar. "This is not   
a coincidence!"  
"Erm, fine. Could you let go'a me?"  
"Oh, sorry." He dropped me to the ground, and started pacing.   
"It makes perfect sense now. Whoever cured me cursed himself (or   
herself --" I winced at the thought of some *girl* wanting to be   
P-chan, and he took note of my reaction, "hey, you never know.)   
So now they've replaced me. It's a perfect motive!  
"But who would do it? And who *could*?"  
Someone else who wants to sleep with that kawaiikune tomboy?   
Geez, there are some SICK people in this world, aren't there?  
Hold it... what kinda pervert would...?  
That was IT. I could see the light bulb go on over Ryoga, too.  
We said it together.  
"Happosai!"  
  
*****part 3  
  
Ryoga and I waited until the dead of night to continue our   
investigation. Even if we were positive that the little creep   
wasn't going to be in his room, there was no sense in alerting   
anyone else. After all, Ryoga was already persona non grata for   
having been caught in bed with Akane this morning. And I didn't   
want to dump hot water and expose the fake P-chan for who he was   
until I was absolutely certain who he was and how to deal with him.  
Besides, I'd gotten into enough trouble from trying that stunt   
before with Ryoga as P-chan. And I'd wager Happosai would put   
up a lot more fight, too, especially after fondling Akane (yuk!)   
for all that time.  
Assuming it *was* Happosai, I wondered whether Mr. Tendo would   
deal with him in the same manner as he had with Ryoga. I snorted   
in derision at the thought: Yeah, right. Consistency was never   
old man Tendo's strong suit. Unless you counted being consistently   
wimpy. He's hardly any better than my old man.  
Around midnight or so, I bolted awake (a true warrior can tell   
his body when to get up, and have it obey, no matter the time.   
Now, in case you're wondering why I'm so hard to wake up on school   
days if this is the case, it's because I don't consider school that   
important. But you knew that, didn't you?) and crept out my bedroom   
window. I leaped to the ground, and landed silently on my toes.   
A couple of hops, and I was over the pond and in the dojo.  
"Ryoga!" I hissed. The only reply was a rather sleepy mumble.   
Aw, crap. I wandered back to the practice rooms. There he was,   
still sound asleep. Okay then, kiddo...  
I grabbed a fire bucket from the dojo, and filled it with pond   
water. I walked back to the practice room, and drizzled the water   
onto his head (It's quieter than just splashing the bucket at him).  
After a moment or two, he sat up, spluttering and spitting water.  
"Hey, what's the big idea?" I put on a big grin.  
"Oh c'mon, Ryoga. Doesn't that feel good, to get hit with cold   
water and not change into something? Come on, we gotta check out   
the old lech's room, okay?"  
  
*****  
  
We crossed the moonlit courtyard to the house, and climbed the wall   
underneath Happosai's window. If we were right, we wouldn't encounter   
him. Of course, if we were wrong, we'd have some explaining to do.   
Maybe something about refining our ninja skills, and would he please   
teach us some? That might just settle him down.  
The window was surprisingly easy to jimmy open, leading both of   
us to suspect a trap. Of course, I've had pretty good luck with   
Akane's bedroom window before, so maybe it's just the windows...  
We tumbled inside as quietly as we could. Ryoga rummaged around   
in his backpack, handed me some cylindrical object. I stared at it,   
trying to figure out what the heck it was as my eyes attempted to   
adjust to the darkness indoors. Ryoga stood up.  
"The switch is right here, Ranma.." and he turned the flashlight   
on for me.  
"Thanks... I guess. You're not expecting a tip for this, are you?"   
He switched on a flashlight of his own.  
"Not until you suggested it... How much ya got on you?"  
I was pretty sure he was kidding, so I figured I was safe dishing a   
little back: "Nothing but this flashlight. Y'know, you're starting   
t'sound like Nabiki."  
"Hey, you brought it up..." I could see him grin in the dim glow.   
I scowled, ever so slightly "Okay, okay. Let's look around, and   
keep it down, ne?"  
As expected, the old coot wasn't there. Of course, that didn't   
necessarily mean that he was the one impersonating P-chan; for all   
his absence proved, he would be out on one of his late-night panty   
raids. Not that he really needed any more than what he had. The   
room itself was already ankle-deep in bras and panties. And there   
wasn't a stick of furniture to be seen, either... the old freak   
probably just slept on the panties, using them as a futon. I   
couldn't speak for Ryoga, but my skin was crawling. "Man, what   
IS it with this creep, huh?"  
"No kiddin'. Can't this guy just rob a department store and get   
it over with?"  
"Actually, I think they haveta be *used* to have any effect for him."  
"Too weird! No *wonder* you don't like being stuck as a girl around   
him."  
"Yeah..." I was really getting uncomfortable rummaging through all   
this underwear. "Uh, look... I'm gonna check out this closet, okay?"  
Ryoga was holding up a suspicious-looking garment, and eyeing it   
dubiously. "Sure, whatever.." he hissed back absently. "What the   
hell *is* this for?"  
I didn't even bother to look back. "How should I know? I don't   
wear girl's stuff if I can avoid it, even if I *am* a girl, okay?   
"...Holy moley! Check it out!"  
Ryoga scrambled to his feet and headed over to the closet. "What   
is it? And keep it down, ne?" I nodded and gestured into the open   
closet.  
The shelves were filled with vials and jars of water, each of them   
with labels identifying them as having come from one or another of   
the cursed springs of Jusenkyo. I turned to Ryoga.  
"Well, I think this ought to prove rather conclusively that the   
old freak's responsible for your situation. Now, all we gotta do   
is find out if any of these are the Heitueniichuan so that we can   
prove that he's taken your place as P-chan."  
"Cool. So, what are we gonna do if we find out?"  
"I'm not sure. Maybe pour hot water on Akane while she's *awake*   
and holding him."  
"But that could be really dangerous. She'd be holding a thoroughly   
pissed-off Happosai who's been groping at her for how long? His   
power would be something else! Suppose he takes it out on her?"  
"And wrecks his main power source? I don't think so, Ryoga.   
You'll notice he never gropes Kasumi, either. There really are   
limits to what the old geezer will do. Not many, but there are   
some. We'll just have to rely on that."  
"Yeah, but we'll still have to be the ones to deal with him   
somehow... you *know* Mr. Tendo won't do anything, even if he   
really *is* molesting his baby girl." He started to growl at   
the injustice of that fact.  
"Take it easy, tiger... yeah, that thought's already occurred   
to me."  
"So, whatcha gonna do?"  
"That, I haven't worked out yet. Look, we still gotta find a   
container of Heituenniichuan yet."  
"Right." And so into the closet we went, and closed the door   
behind us to muffle the noise.  
  
Happosai had himself quite the collection in here. Yaazuniichuan,   
Maoniichuan -- that would ensure that Mousse and Shampoo stay the   
way they are. Gouniichuan... heh, heh. To think I once thought   
that Ryoga might have fallen into that spring. So I hadn't met   
Yamada's dog Bess yet. So sue me.  
...Jiiniichuan... Drowned Chicken? Well... I guess it's possible.   
What's this bottle? Oh, no, wait a minute, that's just part of the   
old coot's sake collection.  
"Hey, get a load of this jar... Yuuniichuan"  
"Spring of Drowned *Fish*? How's that possible?"  
"Take a look." He handed me the jar. Nothing but powder inside.   
Well, I guess that explains how a fish drowns.  
"So how would someone get immersed in this stuff, anyway?"  
"Dunno. Whaddya add to powdered water, after all?" We looked at   
each other and shrugged. I gave the jar back to Ryoga to return to   
its rightful place.  
  
Then I opened the closet.  
"Ah-HA! Paydirt!"  
  
Ryoga set down the jar he was looking at, and darted over. There   
it was… a barrel full of water from the...  
...NYANNiichuan?   
Ryoga stared at the barrel for a moment, and turned to me.  
"There but for a typographical error... you know, for a while   
there, you had me thinking you were quite the detective, Ranma.   
You of *all* people should know that that water's from the Spring   
of Drowned *Maiden*."  
I just stood there, staring at the barrel. Why on earth..?  
Ryoga seemed to have the same question. "Why in Kami's name would   
the old freak be lugging all this water with him, anyway?" Just then   
I turned over a bottle of Naininiichuan -- Spring of Drowned Cow --  
and it struck me.  
"Sustenance!"  
"Hunh?"  
"Well, a fellow's gotta eat, ne? Imagine this; pour a little bit   
of this on a grasshopper, or some such, and boom! Instant cow! Milk   
and meat for the taking just like that. As for that barrel over there  
...well, we both know he gets his strength from feeling chicks up, or   
at least from their underwear. Same deal as with this stuff... turn   
an insect or what have you into a girl -- with the brain of an insect,   
so she won't be likely to resist much, either -- and he can power up   
at will.  
"Of course, he obviously prefers the genuine article, although I'd   
still question his taste in what he considers to be genuinely feminine.  
Still, he's gotta take what he can get -- Akane's the only girl I know   
of who keeps a live teddy bear, of sorts." All of a sudden, a faint   
green glow outlined Ryoga.  
"How *dare* you say such things about Akane being unfeminine!" he   
hissed. "Even if she *does* hate me, I won't let you get away with   
that kind of talk!" I backed away from him as far as the cramped   
quarters of the closet would let me.  
"Hey, hey.. take it easy, kiddo. I didn't mean any harm by it.   
Calm down.. you wanna get us caught? You're in enough trouble with   
the Tendos as it is." Okay. That shut him down. We resumed our   
ransacking of the closet. Eventually, Ryoga -- it *would* be him   
-- managed to find the telltale Heitueniichuan. "Well, that settles   
it. We've found our P-chan impersonator. Now we gotta figure out   
what to do about it, huh?"  
"No kidding. You know, we *still* haven't found any Nanniichuan yet."  
"Yeah, I know... that worries me."  
"Whaddya mean?"  
"Well, s'pose he only brought back the one vial or whatever that   
he nailed you with? So now there isn't any left for me to change   
back with."  
"Your problem, not mine, Ranma-chan."  
"Hey... I wouldn't gloat if I were you, P-chan."  
"I'm *not* P-chan!" Then, quieter, almost... wistfully, "Not   
anymore, anyway."  
I turned the jar of Naininiichuan over several times in my hands.  
"I wonder what beef from a cow like this would taste like?"  
"Good question, Ranma."  
A wrinkled old voice behind us startled us. "Actually, it tastes   
like chicken, boys." We spun around, and the closet door opened to   
a bright light.  
The old coot must have heard us rummaging around, and came in   
to check on us. By turning on the all the lights in the room, he   
ensured that we'd be temporarily blinded when the door was opened.  
And that was all the time he needed. The old coot leaped at the   
two of us, and before either of us could react, everything went   
black.  
  
The next thing I was aware of was I was landing on something.   
A tall pine tree, I think. And the top of one, to boot. The old   
pervert can really kick, I thought to myself as I fell, crashing   
through the branches and landing with a reasonably soft `thud' on   
the ground. That had to be the first time I hadn't landed in water  
in a long time.  
When I stood up, I realized why: I was already a girl. Water   
wouldn't do me any good or harm. Now that I was looking, my clothes  
were pretty rumpled and torn. Dammit. The old lech musta copped a   
really good feel before sending me into orbit like that. No wonder   
he got such distance.  
CRACK-CRACK-CRUNCH! THUMP!!  
Hmm. Make that `sending *us* into orbit.'  
  
Ryoga hadn't landed too far away, so after checking myself for any   
serious injuries (there weren't any), I walked over to where he had   
fallen to check on him. He was lying half facing down, and half on   
his side away from me.  
"Oi... Ryoga!" I shook him. He moaned a little, and that surprised   
me. Not that he might be feeling some pain; Happosai could inflict   
damage with the best of `em, I hadda give the old geezer that much   
credit. No, the moan surprised me because...  
...and then, *SHE* turned over to face me.  
  
***** part 4  
  
Ryoga hadn't landed too far away, so after checking myself for any   
serious injuries (there weren't any), I walked over to where he had   
fallen to check on him. He was lying half facing down, and half on   
his side away from me.  
"Oi... Ryoga!" I shook him. He moaned a little, and that surprised   
me. Not that he might be feeling some pain; Happosai could inflict   
damage with the best of `em, I hadda give the old geezer that much   
credit. No, the moan surprised me because...  
...and then, *SHE* turned over to face me.  
  
I musta yelped, and jumped several yards away, because Ryoga   
(or would it be Ryoga-chan?) sat up, somewhat perturbed at my   
reaction.  
"What's *your* problem, Ranma?" and then she stopped, and   
realized what her voice sounded like. She looked down at herself.  
"AAAAH!!"   
I gave her a half-smile. "Well, now you know what I go through.  
Sorry that this messes up your cure..."  
She pulled open his shirt slightly and just stared. "I'm...   
a girl!"  
"Uh-huh. It would explain how the old geezer got up enough   
strength to boot us this far, wouldn't it?" Ryoga just shivered   
at the thought of having been felt up by Happosai. "Hey, what're   
you actin' squeamish for? At least you had the benefit of not   
being conscious this time."  
"What, he didn't knock you out?"  
"Oh yeah, *this* time. But normally he doesn't bother, and he   
can grab an awful lot even before *I* can send him flying." I   
walked over and extended my hand. "How ya feelin' otherwise?   
Think you can walk?"  
She grabbed onto my hand, and I pulled her up. "Yeah, thanks.   
I'll be okay... I think."  
"Now to figure out where we are..."  
  
*****  
  
We were fortunate enough to have landed near what appeared to   
be a major highway. There was a sign off the shoulder, and we   
walked over to find out.  
"In.. teru.. s'tah.. te.. 97. O.. re.. gon. No.. ru.. tsu.   
Oh! North! Now, where the heck's O-re-gon?" All at once, I wish   
I'd studied harder in my geography class.  
"How should *I* know, Ranma? I may have been here before, but   
that won't help, you know. And we'd better do something quick --   
it's getting dark out."  
"Okay, then. C'mon, Ryoga. Stuck out your thumb and make with   
a `cute 'n' helpless' look."  
"Say what?"  
"I said..."  
"I heard what you *said*. What do you *mean*?"  
"I mean... we're gonna hitch a ride."  
Ryoga looked thunderstruck. "A ride?"  
"Yeah... we stick out our thumb, and that means we wanna lift   
from whoever's willing to give us one. I'm not sure where we are   
just yet, but I'm willing to bet we've got a long way to go to get   
back to Japan. Best thing to do is to keep moving. The `cute `n'   
helpless' bit's just to guarantee we get picked up soon. Just   
trust me on this one -- girls have much better luck getting lifts.   
Watch..." And I wandered to the edge of the road, facing the traffic  
and begin taking a few backwards steps. I stuck my right thumb out,  
and with my left hand, I waved at the cars. "Yoo hoo!" Ryoga was   
watching me as if he was observing an alien life form -- Could it be  
that, in all of his travels, it had never occurred to him to hitch   
a ride with someone?  
At any rate, within a few minutes, an 18-wheel semi pulled over,   
and a big beefy guy waved me in.  
"Where ya headed, miss?" He was speaking English. Well, that   
narrows down where we'd landed. A little. Boy, that pervert can   
get some distance going, can't he?  
"Oh, I'm not particular. You're going north?" And to think   
Miss Hinako assumed I wasn't paying attention in her class!   
Thank heavens I *was*.  
"Yeah, as far as Seattle. Hop in if ya wanna."  
"Uh... do you have room for my friend here?" I waved frantically   
for Ryoga-chan to come over. The trucker's eyes lit up at the idea   
of having *two* female hitchhikers in his cab. Oh, boy...  
Needless to say, we got his assent, and the two of us clambered   
aboard.  
  
"Howdja do that, anyway?" Ryoga-chan whispered as I pulled her up   
into the cab.  
"Well, it helps, being pretty like this and all. You're tellin'   
me you've never hitched a ride before?" It was a dumb question,   
given Ryoga's incredulous reaction to my actions, but I just had   
to know from his -- er, *her* -- own mouth. I wasn't gonna get   
that satisfaction, though; she simply shook her head. Well, that's   
good enough for me for now...  
I slouched down in my seat, and promptly fell asleep.  
  
*****  
  
Some hours later, the driver nudged me awake. Dawn was breaking.  
"Hey, g'morning, cutie. Y'want me t'get you two a cuppa coffee?   
I gotta fuel up, and this may take some time."  
Groggy as I was, I had to remember to keep acting cute. "Oh,   
thank you, mister! But actually, could you just get Ryoga and me   
some tea, please?"  
The man blinked once, twice. "Tea? ..Yeah, sure.. tea. Okay.   
Whatever." He walked off, muttering something about the point of   
stopping in Seattle for coffee. I turned myself over to face   
Ryoga-chan  
"Psst! Ryoga-chan!"  
Even in her sleep, she winced when I called her that. She'll   
never get used to being a girl at this rate. Well, at least she's   
cute when she does that... "Ryoga-chan! Wake up! We're here!"  
Ryoga was having a little difficulty waking up. If it weren't for   
the fact that we hadn't taken one to get here, I'd call it jet lag.   
Ol' P-chan covers the globe, sure, but not *this* fast. "Um?   
Whazzat? We in J'pan awreddy?"  
"No, you bonehead, this guy's only taking us as far as Seattle.   
And here we are!"  
She sat up, slowly. "Oh.. really? Uh.. where is the guy, anyway?"  
"Well, he offered to get us some tea. So we can change back."  
"He doesn't know about Jusenkyo, does he?"  
"No, I didn't tell him nothin'. And I don't see as we'll haveta.   
Just thank him and leave. Then we'll just walk off following this   
highway north."  
"North? Why north? Japan's to the west, right?"  
"Yeah, but this is the coast, Ryoga-chan.." Another wince. Gosh,   
but that's cute to watch her do that. "D'ya really wanna swim the   
Pacific? I'd say we're better off crossing the Bering Straits.   
And one more thing... don't even *try* to lecture me on geography,  
lost boy. Okay, here he comes... we might as well get outta the   
truck. And get back to the cute act, got it?" She nodded.  
  
Sure enough, the trucker was coming out of the truck stop holding,   
a cardboard carrier with three cups wedged into it. The fourth   
compartment, as it turned out, held a couple of tea bags for Ryoga   
and me. Not that we'd be using them (Bag tea? These Americans   
don't know anything, do they?)  
"Here ya go, girls," he announced as he handed the two of us our   
hot water.  
"Gee, thanks mister!" we chorused as we took our cups. There was   
an awkward silence as we just held them, waiting for him to bid us   
good-bye, or one of us to start walking off. Ryoga-chan broke the   
silence after a minute or two.  
"Well, sir, you were saying this is as far as you go, right?   
So we'll just be on our way." And she turned to head toward the   
highway. I scurried after her, because she was walking *away*   
from the highway. As usual. And that's when the trucker chased   
after both of us.  
"Ah-ah-ah.. not so fast, girlies. We haven't discussed payment,   
have we?" Uh-oh. This didn't look good.  
"Ah.. er.. well.. we don't have much in the way of money, mister.."  
"Oh, that's okay. Money's not the issue." We breathed a sigh of   
relief. He draped an arm over each of our shoulders and started to   
lead us toward the truck stop.  
"Naw, money's not a problem. I was makin' the trip anyway, so   
it's no additional cost f'r me t'pick you girls up. On the other   
hand.." and now it was clear we were going *behind* the truck stop   
rather than *into* it, "..there's a bit of something a man doesn't   
get much of on the road that you two girls have plenty of, I'll bet."  
Oh, no. This was getting *really* uncomfortable. I looked over at   
Ryoga-chan. She just looked puzzled. The baka. She's not been a   
girl long enough to realize what this guy was sayin'.  
"Oh now, please, mister. We're not like that. We're not those   
kind of girls!" I protested. Now we were behind the truck stop.   
He took his arms off our shoulders. I almost tried to bolt, but   
he grabbed my collar and started to unbutton my shirt. Ryoga-chan,   
the idiot just stood there.  
"No? Well, we'll just have to *make* you into those kind of girls,  
won't we?"  
As alarmed as I was by the sudden turn of events, I figured there   
was no need to panic. In fact, I didn't need to go full out. I   
pounded him furiously in the chest, just flicking my wrists like a   
cute girl might fight in close quarters "(Kaishu Tenshin Amaguriken!)"  
I whispered to myself. He dropped me like a hot chestnut and backed   
off, clutching his chest.  
"What the hell-?"  
Then I dumped the water on myself, and signaled Ryoga to do the   
same. The trucker's eyes bugged.  
"Y'know, we'd'a preferred to have just left and done this privately,   
mister. I said we weren't those kinda girls, and I meant it. Now,   
may we go, or are you gonna give us any more trouble?" He shook his   
head vigorously. "Fine. C'mon, Ryoga, let's get going."  
"By the way," I called over my shoulder, "we really did appreciate   
your giving us a ride here. Sorry about having to nail you like   
that..."  
  
*****  
  
We continued north for the rest of the day, staying at least   
within earshot of the highway. As night fell, we camped by the   
Canadian border.  
  
As the sun began to rise, we found ourselves at the edge of   
another city: Vancouver.  
We wandered around for a little while, and once downtown, we   
fell in step with a couple of girls and a guy.  
The shorter girl spoke first, to Ryoga: "Hey, you look vaguely   
familiar. Have I seen you before?"  
"Well," Ryoga responded, "I suppose it's possible. I travel a   
lot, so I run into a lot of people on my way..."  
"Hey, check it out!" The taller, dark-haired girl grinned.   
"Mike -- this kid in the bandanna. Doesn't he sound like you?   
Whaddya think?"  
"Well, I don't know..." Man, she was right. This guy was a   
dead ringer for him. If I closed my eyes, I'd never know the   
difference.  
  
"Actually, we're not from around here, though.. and we're trying   
to get back home. Can you tell us how to get to Tokyo?" I couldn't   
help rolling my eyes. Somehow I didn't think these three would   
understand that Ryoga meant to get there on foot.   
"Tokyo? As in Japan?" Oh boy, have we got rocket scientists,   
or what? Ryoga just nodded at the question. Maybe he was used   
to asking people for directions to strange places. "Well, you'll   
need to get a plane to get there, won't you? I mean, how'd you   
get here from there, anyway?"  
Okay, so we had to admit, we did fly. "Yeah, but we don't have   
the cash to get plane tickets back or nothin'.."  
"Yeah? Well, ya know, our company imports and exports stuff   
between here and Japan. Maybe we can get you boys jobs as couriers.  
You'd just have to hand-carry some stuff to our people in Tokyo,   
and then you'd be all set! The company might even pay you for it!"  
Now *this* was something. "You mean it? That'd be terrific!"  
Mike held up his hand. "Hold on. We can't promise anything,   
fellas. But we can try, okay?" Hey, anything beats marching across   
the Bering Straits in mid-winter. I'll take my chances with it.  
"Sure. I'm in. Whaddya say, Ryoga?"  
"Beats walking. And I would know." The three of them just kept   
staring at him as we headed to their office.  
"I'm telling you, Mike. This -- Ryoga, wasn't it?" He nodded.   
"-- I'd swear, he seems so familiar. And he sounds just like you!"  
"I dunno, Sarah. I bet you could sound like the other kid pretty   
well..." What? This joker thinks I sound like a girl?  
"Oh, come on, Mike. I'm a contralto, but..." and her voice dropped   
an octave, "it doesn't go *that* far down, does it?" Well, maybe it   
did. She turned to the other girl. "What do you think, Venus?"  
The shorter girl shrugged. "I think you're both all wet."  
  
*****  
  
As it turned out, Mike was as good as his word about getting a   
position as couriers. In the course of a day or two, they had   
found a number of packages to be shipped to Japan, and we were   
off to the airport with them, armed with third-class tickets and   
a decent stipend in the bargain.  
Let me tell ya, sitting aboard a 747, even if it *is* third class,   
beats all that hiking any day. Or swimming, for that matter. Man,   
if we'd known about hiring ourselves out as couriers, Pop and I   
coulda gotten to China so easy.. of course, if we'd known everything   
about Jusenkyo, Pop and I wouldn't'a gone in the first place. At   
least, I'd *hope* we wouldn't have.  
  
"Okay, Ryoga. I think we're gonna haveta split up when we get   
back. You know that I'm gonna either haveta come back with your   
hide, or *you're* gonna haveta hide. So we'll deliver these packages   
together (gotta earn our keep here, after all, ne?), and then we'll   
find our separate ways back. I'll go to the dojo, and you... aim   
for Furinkan High. I'll probably be in class by the time you find   
it, anyway."  
Ryoga nodded, and turned to face out the window. "I just hate   
having to hide like this. It's not like I did anything wrong.   
I just wanted to be with her..."  
"Yeah, well... if you were a girl -- and you can be, now -- would   
*you* like it for a man to show up in your bed, unexpected and   
uninvited? Come on pal, get real. Besides, you're in her bedroom   
every night, watching her get undressed and all... geez, and she   
thinks *I'm* the pervert. Personally, I think you've gotten away   
with waaaay too much for waaaay too long.  
"Of course... now it's Happosai who's probably getting away with   
it. And I gotta admit, if someone has t'do this to Akane, I'd much   
rather you than him.  
"Now, if only we knew what to do about him..."  
  
*****  
  
When I got back to the dojo, I was met by Akane and her father.   
I'm not sure why, but she looked a little put out.  
"And *where* have YOU been, Ranma?" I didn't think she was ready   
for the whole truth, so I figured I'd give her half of it.  
"Look, your dad told me to go out and pay Ryoga back for what he   
did to you, right? That's where I've been. Do you realize I've   
had to go halfway around the earth to find him?" Akane's reaction   
was unreadable, but Mr. Tendo seemed pleased with my response.  
"That's it, son. Standing up for your fiancée. That's the right   
thing to do." Both of us shot him a dirty look.  
"*Thank* you, Mr. Tendo." I said, as icily as I could. He didn't  
get it. Clueless sap. "Anyway, you don't look too happy about my   
being here, Akane. Either that, or you're upset that I've been gone.  
Which is it?" At this, her angry face crumbled a bit.  
"Th'secndwn." she mumbled.  
"Whawazzat?"  
"THE SECOND ONE, OKAY?" She looked kind of embarrassed to admit it.  
Well, who am I to pass up such a golden opportunity to tease her?  
"Awww... didja miss me?"  
"What? A pervert like you? Are you kidding? It's those stupid   
BOYS again!" I must have looked rather confused at that, because   
Mr. Tendo starting right in with an explanation, and never even   
bothered to start sobbing again about how his little girl and her   
fiance were fighting again.  
"That's right, son. You left so suddenly, the Furinkan student   
body assumed you two had broken up completely. For a while there,  
*I* almost believed it." He scowled at me. "Next time you leave,   
give us some warning, will you?"  
"Look, if you must know, Happosai kicked me into orbit, okay?   
I didn't exactly have time to say my goodbyes before landing in --   
where was it? O-re-gon... or whatever."  
"I wasn't finished! And don't say that name! He might come back!"  
he snapped. Then his face softened. "Look, it's understandable.   
Dealing with the master has its perils. But at any rate, everybody   
at school concluded that Akane was available once again, and all   
the boys started that morning ritual she used to endure before you   
got here."  
Oh, *that*. "I remember. And she's having trouble with them?"   
Now Akane *really* looked peeved. I'd forgotten how she took offense  
at even the slightest slur on her martial arts skills.  
"NO! I mean..." Maybe I could actually salvage this one. I smiled.  
"No, I imagine you're not. But I'll bet you don't enjoy it one bit.   
Having all those guys fight for the privilege of dating you has got to   
be a real pain. I'll bet you can't *stand* the fact that these guys   
would give their eyeteeth to be with you – and some of them have, too,  
I'll wager." Erm.. maybe not: her aura was starting to fire up just   
a bit.  
Then something Mr. Tendo said hit me.  
"Wait a minute. Back up. Did you just say that Happ -- er, I mean,  
ol' Gramps hasn't been around? How long's that been going on?"  
"That's right, son. It was about the same time you disappeared.   
Actually, I hadn't given it much thought that the two disappearances   
might be related," Yeah, right. You don't give much thought,   
period. "but as you haven't brought him back with you, perhaps   
they aren't. But if you know where he is, don't tell me. I don't   
want to know; just as long as he's not around here."  
Speaking of which... "Uhm... and how's P-chan doing these days,   
Akane?"  
Her aura vanished as if by magic. Being taken off-guard will do   
that. "Hunh? I thought you always hated him!"  
You got that right, now more than ever. Still... "Hey, *you* like  
the little runt; so why shouldn't I be concerned? Hasn't he always   
been running off and getting lost and stuff?"  
"Well, yeah, he used to. But he's been here that whole time   
since you've been gone. He's been just fine. And *so* affectionate,   
too!"  
Oh, good grief. Well, it's not as if she's the first girl to   
mistake lust for affection. But the fact that it's *Happosai*...   
oog! I think I'm gonna throw up.  
"...Did you want to see him?" Her voice snapped me out of my chill.  
"Erm... NO! No, don't let him know I'm back. I doubt he'll be   
too pleased about it. You know, you say I don't like him... well,   
I think the feeling's mutual. So why don't you try to keep him and   
me apart, if you can, okay? For the time being..."  
She looked at me rather doubtfully. "Well, all right. I can't   
argue that he doesn't like you, either. Okay," she grinned brightly,  
"I'll try to keep him out of your way."  
"Thanks, Akane." Hey, how about it? She wasn't even mad anymore.  
Day saved after all!  
  
*****part 5  
  
Saturday night, and dinner at the Tendos tasted so much better for   
having been away for several days. And really, everything seemed   
even better than usual. Mr. Tendo was glad his little girl's   
protector and fiance was back. Akane, too, still seemed pleased   
at my presence, and had considerately left `P-chan' in her room   
while I was at the table. And Kasumi's cooking, well... what do   
I need to say there? I plowed through everything as if I hadn't   
eaten food in weeks. To some extent, I hadn't; at least, nothing   
like this.  
It was a Fuji Moment, one of those times when you think to yourself   
that nothing could possibly go wrong now.  
And instantly, you kick yourself for even thinking it, because   
something *does* go wrong right then.  
There was a knock at the door. Somehow, I knew who it was gonna   
be, and I could feel my stomach sink at the very thought. I jumped   
to my feet.  
"I'll take care of that. Anybody mind?" I was met with a series   
of shrugs. Well, who's gonna talk with their mouth full of Kasumi's   
cooking, ne?  
  
I met him at the door with a whispered "Keep quiet, you," and   
dragged him out onto the street. "What's the big idea, man? Do   
you know what coulda happened if anyone else had answered the door?   
I thought I toldja to meet me at *school*!"  
"Well... I couldn't find it," big surprise there, "and, since I   
was passing by, I thought I'd ask for directions from a familiar   
face."  
I just closed my eyes in frustration. Here's a fellow with a   
grudge against me going back to antiquity, and for some reason or   
another can't seem to fathom the possibility that someone might be   
holding a similar grudge against him. And for more valid reasons,   
too. "Do you realize how *hostile* those faces would be? What   
were you *thinking*?"  
"Well... I figured *you'd* answer the door, actually. If I'm   
still alive and nearby, it's *your* rear, too, ya know."  
Y'know, sometimes this boy's not the idiot he appears to be. He   
had me there. And of course, I *had* come to the door thinking   
that same thing. So...  
"So... what do we do now, Ranma?"  
I grabbed his hand. "Come on," I growled through clenched teeth.  
"Back where we came from." We leaped onto the roof of the house,   
and bounded over to the dojo's rear entrance. I shoved him inside.   
"In ya go! And stay *put*, will ya?" I heaved a sigh of relief as   
I closed the door. Now, back to the front gate. And I gotta   
remember, pretend everything's normal...  
  
"Who was that, Ranma-kun? And what took you so long?"  
"Jehovah's Witness. Sorry about that."  
"You didn't just deck him?" Nabiki arched her eyebrows.  
"Why? He's unarmed. I'm not gonna fight a weakling, in any case.   
I just told him we weren't interested." This seemed to satisfy   
everyone, and they went back to their meal.  
I would've, too, if I had any. It looked like Pop had helped   
himself to my stuff again. Oh well. I'm home again, aren't I?  
"Uh, Kasumi? Have you got seconds on the stove?"  
"Why yes, Ranma-kun, I do. Would you be a dear and bring the   
pot out?"  
"Sure thing. Thanks!"  
  
While I was in the kitchen, I spotted a number of empty glass   
jars Kasumi had evidently planned on using for canning or some   
such. Well, she won't miss one...  
  
*****  
  
Nightfall again. Back to the dojo. And back to trying to wake   
Ryoga up. I decided against the cold water bit this time; after   
all, this time he was cursed. And who would dare walk into Happosai's  
room as a female? No, that would be asking for trouble. So I just   
shook him until I could hear his brains rattle.  
"C'mon, man!" I hissed. Boy, does this kid sleep *hard*.  
"Mm.. not so hard, Akari.." Akari? Huh?  
I picked him up and slapped him, and immediately shushed myself.   
Damn, that was loud. Hope no one heard it. "Come on, you lamebrain,   
we gotta get going! I've got a plan to nail this sucker but good,   
but I need ya t'watch my back!"  
Nothing. So I simply dropped him.  
He fell like a sack of yams. Instantly, he sprang up.  
"Who's there?" He was looking *away* from me. Rrrgh!  
"I'm over HERE! Turn around, will ya?!"  
"Oh, hey, Ranma!"  
"Keep it *down*, willya? C'mon, we gotta get a jarful from the  
old coot's barrel."  
"What for?"  
"Never mind that for now, okay? Just trust me. I know what I'm  
doing."  
"Yeah, right."  
"*You* got any bright ideas?" He shook his head. "Okay, then.  
Let's go!"  
  
The old geezer's room was pretty much the same as when we last saw   
it. I guess even Kasumi thinks better of courting danger by tidying   
up `the Master's' room, even if he isn't around, supposedly. We   
went straight to the barrel and dipped the jar in. Once the jar was   
sealed, we stole out. Whew. No sign of the old fart. Probably too   
cozy sleeping with Akane - brr! - to notice. And hey... we'd learned   
our lesson; we were much faster this time.  
  
"Fine," said Ryoga once we were safely in his practice room in the   
dojo, "we've got a jar of Nyanniichuan water. How's this gonna help  
us get back at Happ-?"  
I had clapped my hand over his mouth. For once, I was gonna   
believe even Mr. Tendo. "Don't even say the name, Ryoga. Just in  
case, okay?" He nodded. I removed my hand. "Okay, you're right.  
This jar is not gonna solve our problems, in and of itself. But it's  
gonna make a really good bargaining chip for getting what we *really*  
need." He continued to look at me with a puzzled and worried   
expression. "Don't worry, Ryoga. Get some rest. Tomorrow, we go  
out for ramen. And we go together, ne? So wait for me."  
He shrugged. "Whatever you say..." He wasn't convinced.  
  
*****  
  
I hadn't actually planned to have breakfast at the Neko-Hanten   
that morning. Ryoga and I just had some business to transact, which   
had nothing to do with food. If Ryoga wanted to get some ramen for   
himself, well, that would be his prerogative.  
Of course, I hadn't realized Akane would be cooking breakfast.   
So much for `all's well with the world'...  
Everybody else had cleared out, in anticipation of her attempt,   
but she wasn't gonna let me go that easily. I did try to be polite   
and choke down a bite or two, but that was about all I could take.  
"Please, Akane, I took a bite of it. Can I go now?"  
"NO! Eat what's on your plate!" If it were Kasumi's cooking there,  
it would be but a morsel. But the same size helping of Akane's home  
cooking was like Fuji-san itself. No *way* I was gonna survive  
eating that.  
"Look, Akane... I'll make you a deal. Since I've eaten a few bites  
of mine, why don't you take a few bites of yours? Then I'll eat, and  
the you eat, and so on. Sound fair?"  
She had to admit, it was more reasonable than some of my usual   
suggestions of what to do with her food. So she took a bite.  
And passed out. Just as I'd anticipated.  
I went up to my room, grabbed some of my stipend money and the jar  
of Nyanniichuan, and headed for the dojo.  
"C'mon, Ryoga... we're outta here! Let's grab some breakfast."  
Ryoga took a sniff of the air. "Akane's been cooking, ne?"  
I nodded.  
"Well, what're we waiting for?" And we were off.  
  
"Okay... so what're you planning to do with that stuff? It's   
gonna do us no good."  
"It's not *for* us, Ryoga. It's for --"  
Splash. That @#%¥* old lady again. "-- Shampoo.  
"See, *we* may not like being like this, but she's *supposed* to   
be. In any case, I can be rid of that -- brrr! -- cat once and for   
all, too."  
"Oh! I get it! And we might be able to trade with the old ghoul  
for something that'll help us nail Happosai with, huh?"  
I grinned. "You're learning, Ryoga-chan."  
Another one of those cute winces.  
  
"Welcome to Nekohanten... aiya! Ai ren!" As usual, Shampoo   
charged and glomped onto me. Fortunately, I handed the jar to   
Ryoga-chan before she connected, so it was safe. Still, I wanted   
her off of me as soon as possible.  
"Uh, Shampoo... could you let go? We're both girls, y'know..."   
I pushed her away from me, as gently as I could. Look, I don't love   
her, and I never could, but there's never any sense in riling her,   
so I gotta treat her with kid gloves, too. Sometimes, it's amazing   
how much like Akane she can be, when I think about it. Not that I   
usually get the chance to think...  
Anyway, she did step back, blushing slightly. She knew, and I   
knew, that I was really a guy, but there were customers, and who's   
to say who was a regular and knew about me, too? Even Shampoo   
doesn't want people thinking she's a pervert. Then the blush   
turned angry.  
"Who this, Ranma? You have another fiancee?" Her blue battle   
aura was starting to fire up. Geez. I don't even have to say or   
do anything to get into trouble sometimes.  
"Actually, no. Shampoo -- gimme a second, will ya? -- this is   
Ryoga."  
"What kind baka you take Shampoo for?"  
"Look, Shampoo, c'mon... can we have some hot water? I'll prove   
it to ya."  
Then the old ghoul decided to get into the act. "Son-in-law!   
To what do we owe this rare honor of your visit?" Her voice was   
dripping with sarcasm -- it had been... what? Two, three weeks?   
-- since I'd been to the Nekohanten. Not that she'd know or care   
that I was out of the country. Then she noticed Ryoga. "And who's   
this?"  
"I've already fielded that question. Can we see you two out back?"  
We wandered into the kitchen.  
Shampoo was filling a teakettle and setting it on the stove.   
"Ai ren say this Ryoga. He no fool Shampoo. He no dare." She   
gave me another angry look. I rolled my eyes.  
"The hot water, please." I muttered impatiently. "I'll explain   
everything then. And only then, okay?"  
A few minutes later, the two of us got our hot water, and the two   
amazons got a big surprise.  
"Ai ya! Ryoga no pig, he girl! How happen?"  
"Erm... it's a long story. Look, Shampoo... Cologne... we brought   
something for you.." Ryoga held the jar out in front of himself as   
if he were handling toxic waste.  
"So... what is it, boy?" The old woman hopped over to examine it.   
Her eyes widened in surprise and something resembling glee. "Shampoo!  
It's Nyanniichuan water! Your husband and his friend --"  
"I am NOT her husband!"  
"I am NOT his friend!"  
"-- have brought us your cure!"  
  
*****part 6  
  
We returned from the Neko-Hanten carrying the same jar we'd brought  
with us. For all anyone knew, we were leaving the place with exactly  
what we came in with.  
Ryoga insisted on arguing with me about this. "So would you mind   
telling me exactly how this is gonna solve our problems with Happo --  
erm, the old fart?"  
"You're still thinking in terms of punishing him directly, Ryoga.  
We're gonna do this fairly. Verdict first, sentence afterward.   
This," and I shook the sealed jar for emphasis, "is all part of my   
plan to have him condemn himself outta his own mouth, okay?"  
"Yeah, well, all I can say is your plans take waaay too long to   
unfold. I wanna get back into Akane-san's good graces. And soon."  
"What, so you go back to sleeping with her? Dream on, buddy.   
Why don'tcha just stick with Akari or something? It's so much   
safer. She's willing, she loves you, and -- will you wipe your   
nose? You're gonna get blood all over your shirt.  
"Anyway, tomorrow morning, we strike."  
  
***  
  
I decided the straightforward method was the best approach. None   
of this sneaking around garbage. No, I'd just walk in, dump a mug   
of warm water on him, and accuse him of impersonating P-chan. Even   
Akane would believe me, as the old fart had tried that stunt on   
practically the first day he'd arrived at the Tendo's.  
Eight o'clock, and as I creaked open the door to Akane's room, I   
was pleased to note that both of them were still sleeping. Cool.   
I slipped in on tiptoe, and drizzled the warm water onto her pig's  
head.  
Sure enough. It was him. Puny as life, and twice as ugly. The   
Master. Happosai. I grabbed him by his collar, which, now that I  
was looking closely at it, turned out to be a bra. Probably one of   
Akane's, even. Why, that shameless little pervert!  
"Okay, gramps. Jig's up. I've had it with you trying to pass  
yourself off as P-chan, and now you're gonna pay!"  
"You gotta hold onto me if you're gonna collect!" and he wormed   
out of the bra/bandana, and hit the floor running.  
Damn. I shoulda been holding him, rather than the bra. "Why   
you little...!" and I started after him.  
I didn't even get out the door, though, without being nailed.   
"Just WHAT do you think you're DOING in here?!" The textbooks   
Akane threw at me caught me completely off-balance, and knocked   
me flat.  
"Akane, what the hell was that for?" I got up as quickly as I   
could. But not quick enough; she was right on top of me before I   
could stand up.  
"You waltz in on me while I'm sleeping and in my pajamas, and you   
think you have the right to ask ME what I'M doing?"  
"Dammit, Akane, I haven't got time for this, okay? I'm trying to   
catch Happosai!"  
"Oh, really? And what's that?" And she pointed to what had been   
`P-chan's' collar. Her bra. Which I was still holding.  
Oh, shit. Now I was in for it. She continued:  
"Happosai, nothing. You seem to do pretty well on your own. Now   
get OUT before I really get mad! And drop that bra, before I kill   
you!" Sure. Whatever you say. I dropped the sucker.  
So she didn't kill me. Instead, she just whacked me out her   
window. And unlike her father, she didn't bother to open it first.  
Stupid tomboy. If she'd just let me explain everything, for once...  
Still, I couldn't explain EVERYthing to her, anyway. Stupid   
warrior's code.  
Oh, well. Now that I was in the courtyard, I had to find the old   
pervert. Shouldn't be that hard; all I had to do was listen for some  
girls' screaming.  
And from what I could tell, he wasn't too far off. In fact, it   
sounded like he was...  
Oh, shit. He was in the dojo! And that kids' class that was   
going on!  
I scrambled to my feet, and tore over to the dojo. I could make  
out voices now, and a thump; the old man just sent Eichiro into the  
wall. Kimae and Chibiko were shrieking, and Masanori was yelling at  
him -- evidently, he had taking it upon himself to chase him now that  
Eichiro was out of action.  
All at once, there was this familiar rumble. But it didn't sound   
quite like Mr. Tendo. Then the rumble turned into a roar. It was...   
HIROE'S voice!  
"YOU SLIMY LITTLE PERVERT! GET YOUR HANDS *OFF* OF ME!!"  
I got to the dojo entrance in time to see as this sweet little  
twelve-year-old girl turned into a demon from hell. Everyone else  
hit the floor, and even Happosai was startled enough by her battle  
aura to back up toward the door -- and into my hands. At that point,  
her demon-head shrank back, and she fell to her knees, obviously  
exhausted.  
Mr. Tendo wasn't there yet, so I called over to Yoichi, who was  
closest to the equipment cabinet: "Yoichi-kun, could you get me some  
rope or something to tie this little creep up with?" He nodded and  
began rummaging furiously through the cabinet, and came up with some  
rope and some ribbon. "Thanks. Toss it here, will ya?"  
I proceeded to tie Happosai up tightly. "You know, I'll bet you'd  
actually enjoy this if I was in my girl form, wouldn'tcha?" I snarled  
quietly at him. Then I turned to Hiroe. "That was an incredible   
display, Hiroe-chan. I'll have to inform Mr. Tendo about it, and   
I'll wager you'll be due for a advancement. You've certainly got   
the ki energy to be a fine martial artist someday." Even in her   
fatigued state, she was beaming with pride. "Umm.. I'm really sorry  
about this, kids, but I'm gonna haveta leave for a while. I assume  
Mr. Tendo's on his way, so he'll handle class..." I looked over at   
Eichiro "...and first aid."  
Eichiro struggled to stand up. "I'll be okay," he said weakly.  
I smiled at his determination. "I'll take your word for it for  
now, Eichiro-kun, but all the same, you'd better take it easy. Mr.  
Tendo calls this guy..." and I dangled Happosai in front of me,   
"...the Master, so you've probably had a rough workout trying to   
fight him. I wouldn't push my luck if I were you." He nodded.  
"Now, if you'll excuse me... could you guys just tell Mr. Tendo I   
had to take out the trash? I think he'll understand."  
"Hai, Saotome-sensei!"  
"Good work, kids... and I'm sorry about the trouble he caused..."  
  
***  
  
I went around to the back of the dojo, and knocked on the rear   
door. Ryoga poked his head out, saw the two of us, nodded, and   
ducked back inside. There was a click, and he stepped outside,   
holding the jar from the Neko-Hanten, and handed it to me.   
I opened the jar, and held it over Happosai's head. "Okay, you   
little bugger.. I've got water from the Heshangniichuan right here."  
He was squirming to get out of my grip, but not so hard that he'd   
spill the jar in my other hand. "Spring of Virtuous Man? You lie!   
Where could you have gotten that? I deliberately kicked you *east*.   
AWAY from China. How could you have gotten to Jusenkyo?"  
"Let's just say that traveling with Ryoga have its advantages.   
You get to see *so many* different places." The old coot went white.  
He hadn't thought of that before, but it made enough sense that he   
bought the story, hook line and sinker. "Now, you realize what   
happens if you get this stuff on you, don'tcha?"  
"B-b-but... I'd never be able to touch a girlie again! I'd dry up   
and wither away!"  
"Yeah..." I grinned malevolently and leaned against the doorjamb.   
"You know, maybe I oughta call Pantyhose Tarou and let him come over   
and watch. I could really get on his good side this way.. the enemy   
of my enemy is my friend and all that. Hey, it worked for Ryoga and   
me, ne? And we never even had the decency to thank you for that,   
either..." I nodded to Ryoga, and he walked off to the corner of   
the dojo. Now I reached over and made as if to pour the jar onto   
Happosai.  
"NO! Please don't! Have mercy on a poor old man!" He did that   
puppy dog eyes thing that he always does when he's at a disadvantage.  
I backed off with the jar, and held it just a little too close to   
his hands.  
"Gramps, you should know better than that. Those Bambi-eyes are   
*not* gonna save you this time. You're no angel no matter how much   
you try to look like one. So, I'm gonna turn you into one.. right   
now!" And I started to lift the jar over his head once more.  
And that's when he burst his bonds and made a grab for it. "You   
can't douse me if it's not there!" he shouted, and guzzled it down.  
"No, you little pervert, no!" I yelled in apparent dismay, and   
dropped him to the floor.  
  
Even after landing on his head -- I tried to twist him subtly   
enough so that he would -- the old fart could move pretty well,   
and he tried to make a break for it. Fortunately, I knew which   
direction he was gonna take:  
Toward Akane's room.  
Which was why I had already sent Ryoga around that corner of   
the dojo. And no further, I should point out.  
As the old codger rounded the corner, Ryoga stomped right on   
his head. Knocked him out cold. Sometimes, the old coot's pretty   
easy to beat. All ya gotta do is to hit him when he ain't looking   
for it.  
And it doesn't hurt that that was the old ghoul's truth serum   
he'd swilled, and not the Spring of Virtuous Man at all. He should   
have been getting pretty groggy as it was, anyhow...  
  
***  
  
"That thing still running, Ryoga-kun?" I asked, nodding toward  
the tape deck we had `borrowed' from Nabiki. Ryoga leaned over to  
check the settings, and the tape he had started when I came by with  
the old coot.  
"Mm-hm."  
"All right, you little pervert, you're gonna tell us what you did  
and why you did it. Starting from the top, okay?"  
"Ah.. ah.. all right. You remember when I first arrived, and I  
saw how Akane cuddled with that little pig every night, I decided   
to, ah.. `fill in' for her pig? You two punks wouldn't let me then,  
but I found a way...  
"I found out about a spring in Jusenkyo called Heituenniichuan,  
which would turn a person into a little black piglet..." I looked  
up at Ryoga. I motioned for him to switch off the recorder.  
"Hold up, gramps. Do we want this on the record, Ryoga? I vowed  
that I wouldn't say anything about your curse, but Happosai here's   
under no such compunction. If he says anything, that's how it goes."  
Ryoga squeezed his eyes together tightly, trying to decide. Then  
he shook his head. "I can't do it. I can't tell her." He turned  
on the recorder. "Ask him what he did with the Heituenniichuan."  
The old man obliged. "I travelled to Jusenkyo and got myself a   
bottle of the stuff. And while I was at it, a barrel of Nyanniichuan  
-- you never know when you'll need a girlie -- and a selection of   
other springs. When I got back, I poured the Heituenniichuan onto  
myself, and I turned into a near-twin of Akane's P-chan!  
"Of course, I had to get rid of the real P-chan first, if I was  
to take his place..." Ryoga shut off the machine as Happosai detailed  
how he drizzled the Nanniichuan he'd gotten on P-chan's head -- and  
discovered, much to his surprise, that P-chan was none other than  
Ryoga! What perfect luck! So, he had gotten himself into pig form,  
and waited alongside the two kids, for Akane to discover that she  
was in bed with a buck-naked Ryoga, and react accordingly. Then, in  
the ensuing confusion, he'd simply slip in and take over.  
"Okay, okay, we figured all that out already, gramps! What did  
you do with the rest of the Nanniichuan?"  
"The rest of-? Ranma, m'boy, what use do I have for Nanniichuan  
water? I only had a small vial of the stuff, and I used it up on  
Ryoga!"  
Both of us fell over.  
  
When we got up, Happosai was still there, still dazed from the  
serum. Ryoga and I looked at each other, and then at him. It was  
Ryoga who spoke first.  
"Well, there's the verdict. Now, can we carry out the sentence?"  
and he picked the old lech up as if to beat him to a pulp.  
"Hold it! I got a better idea."  
"You and your ideas. I'm just about up to here with `em."  
"C'mon. I'll letcha beat up on her all ya want when I'm done,  
okay?"  
"...on *her*?" There was a long pause as Ryoga puzzled through  
that one. "Oh! Sure!" We grabbed him, and charged into his  
room.  
"Here ya go, old man!" Plunk. Right into the barrel. "You   
wantcher girlies, old man? Go fondle yerself! Take it away,   
Ryoga!"  
I left to go pick up the tape recorder that we'd left in the   
practice room as Ryoga began to give `Happi-chan' the thrashing   
of her life.  
  
***  
  
Mr. Tendo and Akane just sat there, listening to the brief   
recording Ryoga and I had made. Mr. Tendo's expression was one   
of overwhelming gloom.  
"What further indignities can he visit upon me and my children?  
How many more prices must I pay?  
Akane was on the verge of tears. "He... `got rid' of P-chan? You  
mean that awful monster *killed* him?"  
I put a hand on her shoulder. "Oh I doubt *that*, Akane. He's  
not that kind of mean. I'll bet once he became a pig, he sent the   
real P-chan off on some fool's errand. You know how easily that   
animal can get lost. I'm pretty sure P-chan's still alive and well.."  
She cut me off: "Ranma, P-chan isn't Ryoga..." I kept a straight   
face as best I could, as she turned thoughtful, "...but maybe he   
could be, if he fell into that spring." She shrugged it off. "Heh.   
What're the odds, anyway?  
"But then... where *does* Ryoga fit into all of this, Ranma?"  
I sighed heavily. That damn promise. All I could do was shrug.   
"I really can't say, Akane. I guess Happosai was trying to frame  
him in order to cause a diversion."  
"Well, it certainly worked, didn't it? Boy do I feel foolish."  
You'd feel even more foolish if you'd ever manage to put two and  
two together about the `real' P-chan, I couldn't help thinking.  
"So, what're ya gonna do about Happosai, Mr. Tendo? I've got  
Ryoga upstairs beatin' the crap outta her right now. A taste of   
his own medicine, y'might say, and Ryoga's havin' a ball too, I   
might add. But I'll bet you'd like a piece of the old lech too,   
huh?"  
Old man Tendo just sighed. "I don't know what I CAN do, Ranma.  
I owe a certain loyalty to my master. I can't simply go in there  
and demolish him. Mostly, because he'd tear me to pieces first."  
"Hmph. Suit yerself. I dunno, I think you had a pretty good idea  
awhile back when you tried to mail him to the North Pole. I know I  
stopped you and Pop that time, but the old coot's gone too far." I   
stood up, and headed back to the old lech's room. "You know where   
I can get some packing tape?"  
Kasumi must have been overhearing everything, because as I passed  
by the kitchen, she handed me an empty box, along with a roll of   
tape. "Here you go, Ranma-kun. And I'd like that jar back when   
you're done with it, too. I still need to finish my canning."   
  
***  
  
So, Ryoga and packed him away, and sent him parcel post, to the  
Antarctic (Hey, I don't wanna run the risk of annoying Saint Nick  
either, ya know. Can't be too careful).  
"So, Ryoga, what're ya gonna do now? I couldn't quite tell Akane  
the truth, ya know, so you may be off the hook. On the other hand,   
ya can't be too careful..."  
"You're right, Ranma. As Ryoga, or even as Ryoga-chan, I still   
can't even get close to Akane. But..." and he walked into Happosai's  
closet, and came out with the half-empty jar of Heitueniichuan. "At   
least this way, I can be. And I can protect Akane from dangerous   
things... including the likes of you, Ranma."  
And with that, he dumped the remaining contents of the Heitueniichuan   
onto his head, and P-chan sauntered off, supposedly to Akane's room.   
I just stood there, speechless.  
Why, that little, no-good jerk! *This* is the thanks I get?!  
  
... Ahhh, what am I worried about? It'll take him two weeks to find   
her bedroom. That oughta give me time to work on her myself. I turned   
on my heel and walked off to her room.  
  
FIN.  
  
#####  
  
Once again, thanks to the Jusenkyo Guide, and everyone else from the   
FFML who wrote with their comments and compliments  
  
I hope you've enjoyed the story. Let me know!  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^  
  



End file.
